Monday 22 December 2014

Crazy Bitch + Controlling Boys = One Hellova Page Turner

My boyfriend had been telling me for months to read Gone Girl. I was in a Dean Koontz induced haze all summer, but when I saw the movie was coming out I knew I had to get it read before going to see the adaptation. I only ended up getting about 5 chapters in before I saw the movie, but in the words of Janice Litman Goralnik,



A-maze-ing. Amazing. The book was well written, the  movie was well cast, it was just all around awesome. It's very rare that the movie lives up to the book (Saramago's Enemy was fucking appalling for example), but this one certainly did.

Characters 
Despite the off-the-charts levels of crazy, Amy Elliott Dunne could be my spirit animal. She is the most bad ass bitch to be since Regina George. She is beautiful, insane, razor sharp, insane, cunning, rich, and did I mention insane? It's not hard to imagine Amy as being the girl who becomes your best friend over wine and pedis in college, only to later find out she's been fucking your boyfriend. In your bed. Wearing your lingerie. And doing it better than you. Her scheme is brilliant and if not for her vanity, would've been flawless.
I liked the back story of the Amy novels as well. Amazing Amy had an Amelia Bedelia air about her, but without the puntable idiot vibe. The differences between Amazing Amy and Amy Dunne provides a stark comparison and manages to highlight Amy Dunne's insanity even further.

Gillian Flynn did a fantastic job with Nick Dunne. As the reader, I flip flopped between admiration, hatred and sympathy and back again more times than I can count. He does his damndest to get ahead of Amy, but with no avail because Amy is a tricky tricky bitch (like all bitches should be).

One of my favorites characters in Gone Girl has to be Desi Collings. The novel version of Desi provided extra hints of OCD and exaggerated control issues. The Amy-inspired bedroom and flower room were touches of genius that should have been included in the movie in my not-so-professional opinion. NPH did a great job of the overly adoring ex bf role (although NPH could do a dramatic reading of a phone book and it'd still be beyond). Desi Collings is a great reminder to all single ladies - mamas boys are ALWAYS a bad idea.

Plot
The back and forth diary entry method is typically my least favorite form of writing. This could have something to do with trying my damndest to keep diary when I was a kid and failing miserably (16 "my mom's a bitch" entries can only go so far). This is the exception. Gillian Flynn did an amazing job at developing the background and characters through the entries. Flip flopping between sympathy to hatred for both Amy and Nick created a roller coaster ride of emotion comparable to a pregnant woman.

Novel vs Movie
Fuck. Pay attention. I've already stated what I thought about the movie adaption. Christ.

Overall Impression
Amazing. Wonderful. Stupendous. Brilliant. Fantastic. Sensational. Tremendous. Wonderous. Supercalafragelisticexpealedocous. All of the above.

5 out of 5 tubes of stolen sperm.







Thursday 18 September 2014

Not Even Worth A Snappy Title

September 18, 2014

Once again I plundered the links on www.readanybook.com. This time, I made a poor life decision. I selected a novel by the name of Secrets of My Hollywood Life. Atrocious. Dreadful. Abysmal. Horrendous. I could go on and on, and my list of synonyms would be more interesting than this book was.

I'll give you the short version. Honestly, it's probably not even worth your time to read this synopsis, but if you REALLY have nothing better to do, than read on. And I'm sorry your life sucks.

Secrets of My Hollywood Life centers around the age old fable of a girl who has fame and fortune wanting to live a normal teenage life. Naturally, there's the villain (competing tween actress), heartthrobs (famous and civilian), and evil parents (controlling gold diggers). Kaitlin Burke is on a hit TV soap opera, but wants nothing more than to experience High School like a normal teenage girl. Clearly no one told her about sweaty gym classes, droning teachers, rotting goo in your new locker, or shitty school parking lots. In a disguise that would only fool fictional peers, Kaitlin attends school and gets found out by her arch rival - Sky. Surprised? No I wasn't either.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Miley Cyrus wrote this book. It's essentially the authored version of Hannah Montana. Equally as awful, equally as unrelatable, and equally as impressive (as in that it's not).

In addition to the vomit-inducing nicknames for Kaitlin Burke (Kate-kate, Katie-kins, Katie-kat) the reader must endure, the literary genius behind Secrets of My Hollywood Life - Jen Calonita - dedicates this book to her two sons. Her SONS. Poor guys. All I can hope is that her sons are flamboyantly gay and fascinated by celebrity culture.

Zero out of any rating system you want.


Tuesday 22 July 2014

Sisters, Strangulation and Shoes

Summer is here again. Which means I have more time to read and criticize (mostly the latter). I went to one of my favorite websites the other day - www.readanybook.com to take a look at the popular reads section. I like to keep an eye on what the kids are reading nowadays. Unfortunately the list seems to be shorter than it was when I was a kid (and with that, I've become my mother grandmother), but I digress. I selected a novel called The Lying Game. Next to the other novels listed (Man's Search for Meaning, Vampire Academy, and Before I Fall), lying sounded the least dull and whiny and the most likely to have shenanigans ensue. With this flawless reasoning, I dove in.

We are first presented to the heroine, Sutton Mercer, passed out in a bathtub in a frat house. Ahhh a girl after my own heart. I fondly recall the mornings of smeared mascara and missing purses while stumbling to put my pumps back on and muttering about needing better friends. Classic. In the midst of regaining her composure, Sutton is interrupted by another girl stumbling in to the bathroom to rub the shame off herself with lavender lotion. Now this is where the plot gets tricky and a bit less relate able - Sutton can not be seen or heard, and therefore she assumes she must be invisible..wait the girl looks like her...wait her memories are blurry (it's called a hangover sweetheart)...wait she's DEAD! As Ron Burgundy says:


We learn that Sutton has no choice but to follow her twin - Emma - around, and can oversee her life like a creepier, more manicured version of Casper. What we don't learn though, is how Sutton can hear Emma's thoughts. It just sort of happens and the reader must then infer on their own how this worked out (I must admit...I reread the first scene in which this happened 3 times before resigning to the fact that the author wasn't going to tell us the reasoning behind this). Which made me think - can all ghosts hear our thoughts or is it just some twinsy connection? Oh god... has ghost grandma heard my thoughts when I'm watching a Colin Farrell movie? Oh god porn...all the porn.

There is a strong "boy who cried wolf" theme in The Lying Game - except it's more of a "bratty rich bitch who cried LOVE ME". Although she seemingly can't remember, Sutton was clearly the absolute worst when she was alive. Think Regina George, but without the fabulousness.


The words raging bitch come to mind, which is a stark contrast to Emma's genuine and seemingly gentle spirit. She does seem to adapt to Sutton's life and snarky remarks pretty quickly though.

We don't learn why the book is called The Lying Game until the last half of the novel. Kind of annoying. A lot annoying. Just straight up annoying really. But once I learned what the lying game was, I loved it. It's cruel, it's awful, and it's thoroughly entertaining. No spoilers here, but it's every High School girl's combined dream and nightmare (depending on what side you're on). Sutton and her game make Chris Hargensen's antics look like fucking amateur hour.

What gets me, is how simple it could have been for Emma to prove she's not Sutton - DNA test? Anybody? Anyone? No? No? Oh okay. When she's at the police station, clearly Queen S has quite the record and I'm sure has been fingerprinted, so why not ask the cops to spend 2 minutes to fingerprint her to prove she's not the same person? Oh right because of the big mansion and her new daddy's wallet. I'd keep my pie hole shut too. Cha ching!

As far as teen mysteries go, The Lying Game does have me guessing. But be prepared though- not everything gets solved at the end - again, annoying. But still. An easy quick read, and an interesting combination of Mean Girls, and The Lovely Bones. Four bloodied Prada purses out of five.


Friday 28 March 2014

Who Wants to Bang the Big, Bad Wolf?

March 28, 2014

I've ventured back to the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, and took a stab at Scarlet. It was even better than Cinder was.  Much more violence and intrigue, which always captures my attention. I find that violence always makes books and movies better. Hmm...that's something I should probably talk to a therapist about.

What is it about the name Scarlet that makes me smirk? Maybe it's because the name reminds me of the whiney blonde on Nashville. Or maybe it's because I once bought my friend a lap dance from a stripper with c-section scars named Scarlet. Regardless, when reading the second book in The Lunar Chronicles I couldn't help but sneer while scrolling through the pages. This isn't to say I didn't fully enjoy the novel. It puts a whole new light on the classic Red Riding Hood, but adds a gun and a gritty past.
I fucking dare you.

Sequel Schmequel
I enjoyed Scarlet even more so than I did Cinder. I fully appreciated the Taken tone, but instead of a old (albeit sexy) Irish man, we get a teenaged ginger. With a much more detailed past, unpredictable family members, and a thing for the bad boys, Scarlet is a woman after my own heart. I find many revamped fairy tales use the same characters, but neglect to allude to the moral that inspired the story to begin with. Meyer does a great job at referencing the purpose of the story (don't talk to strangers, and the lesser known moral - be nice to your grandparents) while not taking away from the post-apocalyptic feel. The blend of past and future could not have been easy to come up with.

Integrating Cinder in to the storyline was an interesting, and adept, choice. She's not quite as bad ass as a gun toting farm girl, but her adventures blended seamlessly with those of Scarlet. Cinder left the reader with many questions, all of which were answered in Scarlet.

Girl Power Glory
The reluctant feminist in me fully appreciates that the two women in this series are leading ladies at their finest. Their sidekicks are men and machine whom they shamelessly use them for their own gain. Even Levana uses her man minions (manions?) for her personal vendetta by going so far as to genetically manipulate them. GREAT idea. The image of a wolf-man isn't exactly appealing but I suppose the goal is more fear based than sex appeal. Personally I think putting Wolf in a camo print banana hammock and body paint would spice things up, but I can still appreciate his more subtle, animalistic appeal. I hope he at least waxes the important bits.

Scarlet falls for the bad boy. Classic. Sure he withheld pertinent information regarding the kidnapping, sure he was an ex-gang member and current street fighter, and sure he refused her advances throughout 90% of the book, but these qualities are to women what big tits and short skirts are to men. All the makings of female Viagra.




Favorite Moments
-When Scarlet knees Ran in the dick. That's pretty much my only defensive strategy.
-Everything Thorne says. He's so wonderfully ostentatious. Annoying as fuck in person I'm sure, but amusing nevertheless.
-"Wolf, are you asking me to be...your alpha female?" BAHAHAHA I love this. Next time someone asks me out, this will be what I'll unabashedly say. I'm sure I'll lose the date, but it'll be worth it.


My biggest take away from Scarlet is how much fun mind control would be. How much easier would life be if you had that power! As a parent, a boss, a girlfriend, the possibilities are endless.

I give Scarlet 5 bloodied axes out of 5 dismembered wolves.

Monday 6 January 2014

Twilight - Shallow Girls & Shallow Graves

January 6, 2014

In my holiday dalliance, I felt the urge to read something truly awful. Boorish. Churlish. Abominable. I was halfway a great list of synonyms when it hit me - Twilight. Twilight encompasses all these and more! Reading craptastic books for me is as fun as watching bad 90's TV like Breaker High, but without the added bonus of a young Ryan Gosling. So I embarked on a journey I actively knew I'd regret.

Ahh Bella Swan. Honestly not the worst character in literary history until they used Kristen Stewart to represent her in the movie adaptations. A girl with about as much charisma as my left tit (not my right- it's full of spunk and pizzazz). Starting the book off with a solid helping of whine and despair, she takes us from the Arizona sun to the cloudy, dreary town of Forks. Now that's pathetic fallacy if I've ever seen it.





Forks' Village Idiot
Bella won't shut her cake hole about  everyone's appearances. She gripes about how mousy she is, how beautiful Arizona's citizens were, how mousy she is again, and how confused she is by the Forks' boy's attraction to her. Then there's the Cullens. The moment she sees these 5 pasty, haughty, post pubescent, "students" she's in awe. Why? It's not like these were the days before the internet when you only saw pretty people in the occasional magazine. I refuse to believe the Cullens are any more drool worthy than a handful of the average celebrities (mmm...a handful of celebrities...like Benadict Cumberbatch...in my hand...full...). Her initial description of Edward is "... lanky, lessbulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.". Uh, that doesn't exactly make my panties drip girl. Sounds like most guys I went to high school with.

Bella jumps head first in to infatuation with the Cullens. Some might say this is because her family blows, or that she's jealous of their grace and bangin' looks, but personally I think it's simply a case of being bored with her own life. Getting an old truck and wet hair isn't exactly anything to write home to your neglectful mom about. Within knowing the kid for one day, Bella states that the second day at school is worse than the first because Edward isn't there...this brings clingy to a new level. She allows her entire world to be dictated by Edward's current opinion of her. It's insanity. Edward's mad at her, she becomes depressed. Edward's chatty, she's happy. Get your shit together. She's so ridiculously co dependent, it's damn near pitiable. Tyler's van should have killed her just to put her out of her bi polar misery.

Despite Edwards blatant warnings to stay away from him Bella continuous to chase him like a starving puppy. Seriously? She probably believes the Shaw guy when he says her appointment is at 1pm too. Idiot. Her blind ignorance is demonstrated constantly throughout the book. Even after she has a dream about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a wolf, she still doesn't fully make the connection. Instead, she falls in LOVE with the corpse by the end of the 9th (painful) chapter. What is it about clammy skin and guzzling blood that makes her hot? Pass.




Literary Libations
It's a fun game when reading Twilight to take a shot whenever you find a religious reference Stephanie Meyer threw in (good 'ol mormons):
- "He didn't know me from Eve"
- Humans transcending mortal form to become eternal beings
- Sparkly, luminescent Edward...some may even describe him as angelic
- Bella constantly refers to her boy toy as "godlike" and even imagines him as an angel when he saves her (unfortunately)
- Women taking on all domestic rolls (while Charlie sits on his ass watching TV)
- Aversions to lies (or fairy tale truths as I call them)
- No funny business before monogamy, no sex before marriage
- Taking cold medicine is considered " ...gratuitous drug use" 
- Falling in love on the 3rd date (those book-of-Mormon thumpers move faster than lesbians. Honestly.)

It seems to me that Stephanie Meyer is making a valiant attempt at making her own wet dreams in to something acceptable within her cult religion. Taking a blood thirsty demonic figure and turning him in to a sparkly, angelic, soft spoken, hunk may work for you lady, but for the rest of us whose turnoffs include rigamortis and emotional instability, we'll stick with Mr. Pitt and Clooney. 


Piques
Ok friends. Time to address the dead, blood thirsty elephant in the room. The sparkling. THE SPARKLING! What was Stephanie Meyer thinking!? I realize that her target audience is prepubescent girls and cat ladies, and both of which are easily entranced by sparkly objects, but COME ON. Sparkly rings - yes. Sparkly nails - yes. Sparkly men - no. Bedazzled humans are only acceptable at raves and gay clubs. 

It's beyond frustrating to me that chaste, innocent Bella can't even vocalize the idea of sex (even when she relates it to marriage). It's very hard to believe that a teenage girl, of any religious persuasion, can't say three little letters. Call me insensitive, but if you can't even entertain the thought of sex, then you're too immature to be considering marriage or sex. Or giving up your last breath to spend eternity as a corpse bride for that matter. Of course my opinion is pretty damn jaded. Pretty sure my first word was "vagina!" (proud moment for my parents).



Alas, this book was not as the title described - Twilight indicates the closing or ending. Considering this novel is only the start to a craptastic saga, I vote we rename it something fitting. Something that will warn the reader before they pick it up. Something like "Admonition" or "Zombies Gone Wrong". This book gets a solid 0.25 blood bags out of 5.